#📓 #📚 #🟠 # Diversity in dialogue: Commonalities and differences between friends ![[calendar-plus.svg]] <small>Nov 11, 2021</small> | ![[calendar-clock.svg]] <small>Jan 03, 2023</small> 🏷️ [[ethics]] **Authors:** [[J. Wood]] **Citation:** Wood, J. (1997). Diversity in dialogue: Commonalities and differences between friends. In J. M. Makau & R. C. Arnett (Eds.), _Communication ethics in an age of diversity_ (pp. 5–26). University of Illinois Press. --- # Summary Traces the themes of difference and commonality in friendships and proposes that embracing, rather than resolving, the tension between diversity and commonality is most likely to cultivate personal growth and relationship satisfaction. Starts by identifying widely shared orientations toward friendship. Then explores how different social standpoints create distinctive perspectives on friendship that can provoke tensions. Finally, suggests how we might ideally engage the dialectic of diversity and commonality. # Notes #### p. 5 - [[relational dialectics|Dialectical theory]] underlies perspective that embracing, rather than resolving, tension between diversity and commonality is the best approach for personal growth and good relationships. *([note on p.5](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=1))* #### p. 6 - Even when talking about diversity, it is important to consider commonalities as a way to notice differences and to create context for discussing those differences. *([note on p.6](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=2))* Common human needs for personal affirmation, support, and acceptance from friends, family, and romantic partners. Shared needs foster common goals for friendship: - intimacy - acceptance - trust - help *([note on p.6](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=2))* #### p. 7 - Men and women both have the same friendship goals, but different ways of pursuing them. - Women favor personal talk while men prefer doing things together *([note on p.7](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=3))* #### p. 7 - Understanding divergences in friendships requires exploring both the unique personalities of those involved as well as the differences in perspectives of social groups. *([note on p.7](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=3))* - [[standpoint theory]] *([note on p.8](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=4))* #### p. 8 - Social positions are constructed primarily through discourse, which upholds or or pushes against culturally defined ways of sense making. Knowledge of reality is mediated symbolically, therefore the meanings of everything - including ourselves - are limited by the discourses occurring in a given time or place. *([note on p.8](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=4))* #### p. 8 - Differences among social groups are created and reinforced by cultural structures and practices that determine criteria for assigning individuals to marginalized groups. *([note on p.8](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=4))* #### p. 9 - In Western culture society is primarily organized along gender lines. - Women and femininity are defined by deference, care giving, emotionality, and relationships with others. - Men and masculinity are defined by assertion, power, control, rationality and independence. Cultural expectations for genders are based on these beliefs. *([note on p.9](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=5))* Socializing processes divide men and women into distinct social groups by "exposing them to different experiences that normalize dissimilar ways of perceiving, valuing, thinking, and acting." *([note on p.9](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=5))* #### p. 9 - While other characteristics, like race and class, can be basis for group membership, gender creates general differences that hold across other aspects of standpoint. *([note on p.9](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=5))* #### p. 10 - Members of cultures or social groups are socialized into common understandings of why, when, and how to communicate. - Individuals socialized in feminine culture tend to emphasize relationships and processes, respond sensitively and influenced by emotions, and value cooperation and inclusion. - Individuals socialized in masculine culture focus on achieving outcomes, asserting self, and struggling for individual status and power. *([note on p.10](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=6))* Communication practices of particular social groups create diverse understandings of friendship. *([note on p.10](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=6))* #### p. 11 - Since all understandings are socially constructed, there is no single right perspective. An act of friendship from one standpoint may be seen as unfriendly from another. Important not to interpret another person from our personal standpoint if it is different from theirs. *([note on p.11](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=7))* #### p. 11 - Differences in how friendship is practiced coexist with shared goals and needs and an overall agreement that friends should understand and respect each other. *([note on p.11](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=7))* #### p. 11 - How any individual acts and thinks is not purely personal, but is at least partially determined by the social groups one is a part of. *([note on p.11](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=7))* #### p. 13 - If individuals don't understand the standpoint of others they are in relationship with they may misinterpret actions of the other and be disappointed in the friendship. *([note on p.13](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=9))* Relationship disappointments result from [[judgement|judgements]] about differences, not the differences themselves. Friendships between diverse people require being clear about what is said and done versus our interpretations and judgements. *([note on p.14](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=10))* > imposing our perspective on others may distort their meanings, motives, and actions. ([Wood 1997:15](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=11)) >To respect and learn from our differences with others we must first become conscious of the subjective, arbitrary assumptions that inhere in our own standpoints ([Wood 1997:15](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=11)) #### p. 15 - Tension is caused when we impose our rules of friendship on others. *([note on p.15](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=11))* #### p. 15 - In Western culture when there are differences they are often viewed as better or worse. Individuals usually see their way as better and the other's as worse. *([note on p.15](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=11))* We might misjudge the actions of diverse friends if we fail to understand their standpoint. *([note on p.15](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=11))* #### p. 16 - We are being egocentric when we perceive situations, events and actions from our perspective without recognizing other perspectives. *([note on p.16](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=12))* Tensions and egocentric judgements are unavoidable in human relationships, but we can take these as opportunities to learn about each other and ourselves. *([note on p.16](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=12))* > learning about others' standpoints allows us to expand our own standpoints and appreciate intersections between ours to and those of others ([Wood 1997:17](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=13)) #### p. 17 - Four ways to facilitate moving beyond judgement toward an appreciation of the diversity in friendships: 1. [[self-reflection]] 2. [[openness to others]] 3. [[both-and orientation]] 4. [[curiosity]] *([note on p.17](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=13))* #### p. 19 - Learning to understand and be comfortable with people who are different requires time, energy and thought. Not respecting diversity in friendships: 1. Obscures the variety in human experience 2. Diminishes us as individuals by limiting our moral lives 3. Entrenches barriers between groups and perpetuates divisive relations *([note on p.19](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=15))* #### p. 19 - Benefits of respecting diversity > As Susan Campbell noted, "seeing the world with an expanded view that shows how interconnected we are with our neighbors can help us bring new resources to bear on problems, resources we might never otherwise discover" (1986:264). ([Wood 1997:19](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=15)) #### p. 20 - Differences keep relationships from getting boring and keep things interesting. *([note on p.20](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=16))* #### p. 20 - Given standpoint theory, we need to explain or translate ourselves to friends, and ask them to do the same. Doing so enables a level of understanding that allows communication that honors one another's perspectives. *([note on p.20](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=16))* #### p. 21 - Disparaging differences blinds us to what we share in common. *([note on p.21](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=17))* #### p. 22 - Each of us contributes to social attitudes toward differences. *([note on p.22](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=18))* > The more we explore diversity with openness and curiosity, the more we discover what humans share; and the greater our awareness ofcommonalities the more clearly we discern differences. ([Wood 1997:22](zotero://open-pdf/library/items/GMTGKB3Q?page=18)) ## My Questions & Thoughts --- # Other References TBR:: 🔖 Buber, M. (1972). *Between man and man.* Macmillan. (GR) TBR:: 🔖 Campbell, S. (1986). From either-or to both-and relationships. In J. Stewart (Ed.), *Bridges not walls: A book about interpersonal communication* (4th ed., pp. 262-71). Random House. (Z)