%% #📓 #📚 #🔴 %% **Title:** Listening: The Forgotten Skill **Author:** [[Madelyn Burley-Allen]] **Citation:** Burley-Allen, M. (1995). *Listening: The forgotten skill* (2nd ed.). John Wiley & Sons. https://amzn.to/3MY648s --- # Abstract ~ 3 Sentence Summary # Structure # Notes & Important Ideas ### What is listening? [[listening|Listening]] defined by what it feels like to listen to someone else and what it feels like when someone really listens to you. > [!quote] > Listening also encourages people to feel self-confident. ([Location 139](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001KZGWDS&location=139)) - Don't jump to giving advice, instead use active listening and let others figure things out themselves. #todo/link - [ ] connect to The Coaching Habit #### Listening and Self-Awareness > [!quote] > Listening carefully to what we say and how we say it can teach us an immense amount about ourselves. ([Location 147](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001KZGWDS&location=147)) > [!quote] > self-awareness grows as we discover how we communicate. ([Location 155](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001KZGWDS&location=155)) > [!quote] > Defensive listening is a major barrier to efficient communication and problem solving because it perpetuates nonlistening and an argumentative atmosphere. ([Location 208](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001KZGWDS&location=208)) > [!quote] > As we achieve self-awareness, we are more able to choose our responses rather than react automatically. ([Location 212](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001KZGWDS&location=212)) - #todo/link - [ ] connect to [[space between stimulus and response]] #### Levels of Listening Three levels of listening characterized by behaviors that affect listening efficiency. 1. [[empathetic listening|Empathetic listening]] 2. Hearing words, but not really listening 3. Listening in spurts > [!quote] > As we move from level 3 to level 1, our potential for understanding, retention, and effective communication increases. ([Location 220](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001KZGWDS&location=220)) ##### Level 1 - Empathetic listening At this level, listeners place themselves in the other's position, attempting to see things from their perspective and refrain from judging the other. ([Location 225](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001KZGWDS&location=225)) Characteristics include: - being aware and in the present moment - acknowledging and responding - not being distracted - paying attention to the speaker's total communication, including body language - being empathetic to the speaker's feelings and thoughts - suspending one's own thoughts and feeling to give attention solely to listening ##### Level 2 - Hearing words, but not really listening At this level, people stay at the surface of the communication and do not understand the deeper meanings of what is being said. ([Location 229](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001KZGWDS&location=229)) - May hear what the speaker is saying but doesn't understand the speaker's intent. - listen logically for content more than feeling - remain emotionally detached from the conversation. - Can lead to dangerous misunderstandings because the listener is concentrating only slightly on what is said. ##### Level 3 - Listening in spurts Tuning in and tuning out, being somewhat aware of others, but mainly paying attention to oneself. ([Location 233](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001KZGWDS&location=233)) - Just waiting for their turn to talk. - Faking attention while distracted by other thoughts. ### Where we learn to listen **Childhood influences** - ["] One factor influencing how people get to be the listeners they are is how they were [[stroke|stroked]] as children. ([Location 313](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001KZGWDS&location=313)) - Listening is a great form of strokes because it makes a person feel seen and heard and worthy. **Socialization Process** We learn our listening skills when we're growing up as a kid. - Adults are role models for how children learn to listen - Attitudes of OK and Not OK - [[Karpman drama triangle]] - ["] when people are anxious or worried about approval, they have trouble concentrating on what is being said. ([Location 344](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001KZGWDS&location=344)) **School** Listening is not often rewarded, but there are punishments for not listening. - ["] Listening is the channel most often used for learning-more than reading, writing, or speaking. ([Location 456](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001KZGWDS&location=456)) - ["] school system has accepted the myth that we were born knowing how to listen. ([Location 458](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001KZGWDS&location=458)) - ["] TV-watching encourages passivity and can stunt the growth of the imagination. At the very least, it discourages the active listening habit. ([Location 463](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001KZGWDS&location=463)) - *I disagree with this statement.** - ["] The socialization process results in our listening through filters. ([Location 465](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001KZGWDS&location=465)) - ["] One way to become more conscious of your listening habits and to increase your listening efficiency is to practice regularly. ([Location 499](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B001KZGWDS&location=499)) # Connections to Other Materials # Personal Reflection & Application --- # Other References ## Tags